Maguire didn’t win his match.
Ding didn’t win his.
Fu didn’t win his.

ON THE OTHER HAND:

Murphy totally went home.

So it’s kind of a balance. I don’t hate Trump or Allen, and Allen does kind of deserve a good run with how weird everyone’s being about him. Now I will be saddest if Robertson wins, which he will. I’ll be quite confused if Walden wins, but SEEING AS THEY MADE THE WHOLE TOURNAMENT MEANINGLESS he might as well.

It’s nice for Terry that his guys can stop playing each other now.

Today was probably quite exciting, snooker-wise. I just don’t care because it didn’t turn out well. Fu should have won, he got terribly close, after coming back from being behind, and then he didn’t, also I think Allen started fluking things again, so whatever.

It’ll be quite nice to get back to decent length matches tomorrow, but it’s a bit late now what with no one I care about being left. I will perhaps fade away again.

OH DING. I LOVE DING’S WHOLE FACE.

I just want Mark Williams to WIN THINGS. It’s a reasonable request.

Anyway:

Williams 3 – 6 Walden

In the 3 frames I didn’t watch, MJW apparently played kind of fine, he nearly got a fucking maximum, but he didn’t actually get any frames at all. Because Ricky Walden was all in his way. He won the fourth frame, because I sat and *helped* him.

During the mid-session interval there was just SO MUCH NEWS that we didn’t even have to look at Murphy, which is a great policy, the bbc should adopt it harder.

Instead we had an interview with Ronnie, and they just shouldn’t interview him when he is emotional and would tell you anything. But also they said kind things and Ken wanted to hug him, and I sort of think hugs from Ken might cure ANYTHING.

(Oh Steve Peters must be sad. Ronnie was going to be his greatest triumph and instead all he’s done is push him back ten years.)

Then they showed a bit of Mark Allen saying things and pooh poohed the idea that there was anything wrong with Barry Hearn at all.

(The thing I still don’t get is this idea that ANYONE wouldn’t have improved the prize money and number of tournaments, if they got put in charge. I know Barry Hearn is probably very good at the whole sponsorship negotiating side of stuff, but it wasn’t an *impossible* job or anything. Snooker was MADLY POPULAR in europe and china and EVERYWHERE and Rodney Walker (if that’s the name I think it is) was ignoring that. You didn’t need to be a genius to make snooker successful. THE GAME ITSELF was already really really popular. Barry Hearn isn’t some sort of fucking wizard. He just keeps saying that the game *isn’t* popular in some weird attempt to make people think he’s clever for making it popular when EVERYONE KNEW IT WAS POPULAR, it’s an AMAZING GAME. But anyway, it’s not like it matters, it’s not like he’s going to wreck the world championship or anything. Or sue anyone who disagrees with him. Or just RUIN EVERYTHING. No, it’s all fine.)

Anyway, then Williams and Walden came back out and Williams won some frames and lost some frames, depending on . . . air? I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T UNDERSTAND SNOOKER, IT HAS GONE VERY RUBBISH IN THE LAST TWO DAYS. (I’m not meant to complain, because of how I complained for years and then everything went quite well again for a bit. But I still FEEL very complainey about how snooker isn’t perfect always for me.)

(Higgins and Williams might EASILY have managed their come backs if this was best of 17, and it wasn’t, and that’s fine, they should also learn to play short matches, but there’s nothing AMAZING about winning a match over 11 frames. Winning a match over 17 frames when you can’t really pot anything for a while in the middle, and you don’t panic, and you casually destroy your opponent, that’s what we’re missing here.)

Murphy 6 – 4 Gould

I HAD HOPES FOR GOULD. Murphy went 5-1 up, I think? It might have been 5-0. I couldn’t really look at it, obviously. Then Gould did some coming back, and Murphy did some SELFISHLY NOT LOSING and now he’s in a quarter final of a tournament he is pretending is still clever. It’s not clever.

Carter 2 – 6 Allen

Two? That’s what world snooker says. I thought he got a little bit better than that, but it was probably just wishful thinking. The best bits of commentary were all in this match, it was Dennis and Terry, and Allen, Carter and Fu were all playing – on various tables – and they all belong a bit to Terry – in various ways. So he was just a mess of supportive understanding. I especially love him watching Carter, because he is SO JUDGEY on Carter.

Dennis asked who he thought would win, Allen, or Carter, and he asked about four times, and then he said ‘I AM ASKING YOU WHO WILL WIN’ and Terry acted like he was being made to choose between his children. He didn’t pick. But he meant Allen.

The best bit of commentary, though, was in the last frame, I think it was the last one, when Dennis had to go:

“Well, he’s put one red over a corner, another red over the other corner, and he’s snookered himself on all the colours.”

It was quite a spectacular piece of awfulness. Earlier to that Allen fluked TWO REDS AT ONCE. The snooker gods are ENTIRELY PRESENT AND CORRECT in York. Maybe they got left there last time, and have been stewing. I’ve never seen such a fluke-ridden tournament. Anyway, they sided with Allen, which I’m assuming means they hate Barry Hearn. Although I think Ali Carter hates Barry Hearn too.

Ali Carter’s threatened to resign on twitter. (Why would he resign on twitter? I mean he’s threatened, on twitter, to resign.) I HOPE THEY ALL START DOING IT. I hope it is just the NEW THING THEY SAY when they lose matches. I hope he says it’s because of Barry Hearn. I hope he doesn’t actually go away forever.

Selby 3 – 6 Fu

LOOK! LOOK WHAT HAPPENED JUST WHEN SNOOKER WAS HORRIBLE AND GOING TO KILL ME, LOOK. I am a bit overcome with love for this result.

Fu wasn’t amazing amazing, but Selby missed stuff, and Fu isn’t my favourite, and Selby isn’t my most hated, but on a day like today you take whatever CRUMBS snooker offers, so this was lovely. Thank you, snooker.

Quarter finals

THEY’RE BASICALLY AWFUL.

Maguire v Trump
Ding v Robertson
Walden v Murphy
Allen v Fu

So at best we could have Maguire/Ding ♥, Walden/Fu.
But actually we’ll have Trump/Robertson, Murphy/Allen.

Which is still not ALL BAD. I don’t hate Trump or Allen. And if Allen wins it would be lovely to see Barry Hearn give him a trophy. Mostly I don’t care. I am going to stick up for Ding. And then after tomorrow, when that’s over, I am going to pretend to love golf instead.

b) The WPBSA people are going to try to discipline Mark Allen for being grumpy. Hah! Wankers.

c) The bbc are paying John Parrott to whine on about how nice the short matches are, and isn’t it great that crowds get to see a result, how amazing. I AM SORRY. You are not increasing the number of results by making the match shorter. So the same number of people can come and see the RESULTS BITS, JOHN PARROTT. You’re just taking away the nice first sessions from the people who love them. Also it’s pants. Also, stop lying.

d) I love snooker. Despite that thing that happened today. And that other thing.

O’Sullivan 5 – 6 Trump

Stevens 5 – 6 Ding

OH SNOOKER, LOOK WHAT YOU DID THERE.

I love Ding. Which is just as well. I love the way he plays, I love the way he sits, I really really like the way he pots stuff as if you don’t need to worry, he’s got this. Not all the time, but sometimes.

Matthew Stevens didn’t win snooker, it was a shame, but there you go. He got in in the deciding frame and he was fine, all the balls were lovely and he could have just potted everything, but, and you’ll never believe this, it’s UNIMAGINABLE, but INSTEAD OF THAT, he MISSED A BLACK OFF THE SPOT!!!!! I know! It happens soooooo rarely in the game of snooker, especially at this top level, you’ve probably NEVER SEEN IT HAPPEN, the commentators certainly haven’t. (They weren’t that bad this time, I’m just being bitchy. And giving Terry his due, he’s usually fine about it, he’s more ‘well they do do that’.)

I didn’t listen to O’Sullivan playing Trump, I’m sure it was very exciting, the crowd seemed excited, twitter seemed excited. It looked fine and everything.

Mostly I’m excited because O’Sullivan wants to maybe probably resign actually. I’m not just a horrible terrible person, it’s just THE NOSTALGIA HE BRINGS ME. It’s a bit glorious. Snooker’s not his life, snooker’s the problem in his life. That’s what he thinks now. And he knows his psychologist will hate him for saying it. If he leaves snooker he’s going to have a horrible surprise when his depression doesn’t just disappear. I hope he’s okay, obviously. But constant resigning is my favourite thing about him, I can’t help that. I think it’s quite a lovely coping strategy.

Higgins 4 – 6 Maguire

Robertson 6 – 3 Dott

Higgins didn’t win the first two frames. He didn’t want to. They were stupid frames and John Higgins was ABOVE THEM. (Maguire played snooker like he knew what it was. But I don’t care, because second rounds are ALL VERY WELL, STEPHEN MAGUIRE, call me when you bother to win a semi.) Higgins pretended to be interested in the third frame and scraped about a bit for thirty odd points then became tired. So yeah, he gave that one away too, whatever.

So it’s 3 frames down, so I start bothering to care. And Willie Thorne starts FUCKING LYING. John Higgins will have to be worrying. No he won’t. He’ll be panicking. No he won’t. “If it was normal he’d pot this” (no, he wouldn’t) “but three frames behind, things are not normal at the moment”. YES THEY ARE.

YES THEY ARE. JOHN HIGGINS PLAYS MOST OF HIS SNOOKER FROM THREE FRAMES BEHIND. I know that statistically that can’t be true, but SPIRITUALLY it is true.

Anyway. He won a frame. And then he lost some more frames, because Maguire pretended to know what he was doing and he is wearing blue, and I really like his shoulders, shut up.

So Higgins is 5-1 down, and Dennis Taylor is all “Surely he can’t win five frames in a row again” when he hasn’t even won ONE IN A ROW YET. SHUT UP, DENNIS, SHUT UP.

Higgins totally did win a frame to go to 5-2, and then Maguire didn’t understand the RULES OF HIGGINS’S BRAIN, so he got 60 odd points in the next frame. But Higgins just came and tidied up the rest of the points, and went to 5-3. I do love him. Despite EVERYTHING HE EVER DOES.

Then he won another frame as well. Mostly because Maguire is scared about winning things. But he (John) doesn’t deserve to win this, you can’t win EVERYTHING by just being rubbish and leaving it to the last minute. Someone eventually has to start teaching him that. Although Maguire doesn’t deserve ANYTHING if he lets this slip, so all my policies of not sticking up for anyone came into effect and I kind of collapsed. 5-4.

Then Maguire did a weird weird thing, and just won a frame of snooker. Against John Higgins. For the match. People don’t usually do that, do they John? But it is PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, which is why some people – fools, I know – PLAY SNOOKER EVEN BEFORE THEY ARE THREE FRAMES DOWN. It’s just a SUGGESTION. It’s just a POSSIBILITY YOU COULD CONSIDER. I don’t care, you understand. It’s just a thought.

Anyway, yes. I am having a policy of being quite glad that someone bothered to beat John Higgins, and I like that it wasn’t Judd Trump, and I don’t believe Maguire has any intention of winning this tournament, but if he proves me wrong that’d be nice.

Dott and Robertson was a pretty good match I think from the corners of my eyes. It was sad. Dott didn’t manage a coming back thing any better than John did, and Robertson potted things and generally didn’t lose. I’d like him so much better if he lost things.

So yeah. Higgins and Stevens out on the same day. Snooker’s so loving.

Yesterday was basically awesome. How lovely is Joe Jogia, NEARLY ENTIRELY LOVELY. But let’s start with the beginning:

Trump 6-4 Dale

Allen 6-3 Gunnell

I didn’t watch Mark Allen playing snooker.

I watched Judd Trump and Dominic Dale playing snooker, and it was just hilarious and ridiculous and I’m so sorry for Dominic Dale and I like so much seeing Judd Trump being a bit young and understanding frustration, and he kind of fell apart, and Dale is playing better than I’ve ever seen him play and Trump was missing stuff and being annoyed that he couldn’t pot anything and to be fair to him he wasn’t changing his game and was still going for everything, and the commentators COULD NOT BELIEVE he was taking this on, because they still don’t understand YOUTH, even though they lived through it with Ronnie and various others. “Why play it at such pace?” “He doesn’t need to play for position there.” HE IS JUST PLAYING SNOOKER WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT. LEAVE HIM BE.

Anyway, it wasn’t working. Until the gods of snooker looked down on him and appreciated his hair and potted a pink for him for NO REASON. And then a red, and then nudged some things out of his way, and LITERALLY he just had a frame where he could do anything and the balls found pockets. And Dominic Dale sat in his chair and watched the whole match turning around in front of him for NO REAL REASON. And then Judd Trump remembered snooker, and Dominic Dale went ‘EVERYTHING IS MISSABLE SUDDENLY’ and Trump won that match. Because snooker is the weirdest luckiest thing.

Williams 6-4 Jogia

Lee 3-6 Walden

I didn’t watch Lee playing snooker because the bbc wouldn’t let me. But apparently he wasn’t super, and that’s quite a shame, but I don’t hate Ricky Walden, so it’s an okay shame.

Things:

1. I still find it weirdly impossible to stick up for people when they’re playing Mark Williams.

2. Except I found myself accidentally sticking up for Joe Jogia quite a lot, but only when he was at the table and I had forgotten who he was playing. I sort of wanted him to miss but kept willing all the balls into the pockets anyway.

3. Terry Griffiths is still BEST when he’s talking about Mark Williams, he just tries to sound normal, but he sounds like a proud owner talking about their beautiful horse. At one point there was a replay, and he just said “Just look how *well* he strikes this”, which is a totally normal thing to say, but he said it like he was a dad proud of his baby for, I don’t know, turning over or something, and forcing people to go ‘yes, that’s lovely, truly he is amazing’. And MJW is a bit amazing, don’t gt me wrong. But Terry’s brilliant.

Joe Jogia had a bit of a talk to the camera man who runs up and crouches in front of them during breaks. Also he had an amazing smile.

Mark Williams went shaky and couldn’t pot anything, and Terry Griffiths started talking about how MASSIVE his heart is. Mark Williams is better now at dealing with the not potting anything, after it happened for those few years all at once, and Joe Jogia was great but Williams gathered himself back together and eventually got on.

What I’ve noticed from this tournament so far is how the people I don’t like or care about have been winning their matches kind of easy, and the people I love have been a bit of a trial. Except Matthew Stevens, but that hardly counts, because he plays Ding today, so either way he is going to make me a little bit sad, he was just saving his sadness for now.

How nice is a tournament without Ebdon in it? That’s mean, but it is. I’m kind of a little bit sad Jamie Cope isn’t there, though. I don’t want him to stop being up and coming just because I don’t hate him. My not hating people should not put an instant kill on people’s careers.

Let’s have a look at the second round and how terrible it will probably be, and what quarter finals we will get:

Higgins/Maguire vs O’Sullivan/Trump

I actually hate NONE of these people. Obviously I want O’Sullivan to beat Trump because I side with old people nowadays, and obviously whichever of them win I want to lose to the scottish side in the quarters. I do not stick up for Maguire. And I don’t stick up for Higgins. But CLEARLY I am sticking up for Higgins through all of this.

Ding/Stevens vs Dott/Robertson

I want either Ding or Stevens to win, depending on which of them has ANY INTENTION of beating someone in the quarter final. I don’t want one of them to knock out my other favourite and then just go ‘oh no, Neil Robertson, just have this, I’ll sit over here and look sad.’ I want Dott to beat Robertson and he might, because he’s really good, secretly, still hardly noticeably, but yeah.

Williams/Walden vs Gould/Murphy

I want Williams to win his match without a care. And Gould also. PLEASE. Then I would like Williams to win his quarter final because I would like him to be god of the uk this year.

Carter/Allen vs Fu/Selby

My non hatred of Mark Allen will disappear if he goes around beating the young lovely Ali Carter. And then I would like Selby to piss right off quietly. And then I don’t actually mind if Fu or Carter win their quarter, probably I would slightly edge towards Carter. I like the pretence that Carter/Fu are going to be the ones who make it to a quarter.

The nicest bit of day two was when the commentators during O’Sullivan/Davis just detoured for five minutes into talking about how nice it is that Matthew Stevens is back in the top sixteen. Yes. Yes it is nice.

Selby 6-0 Day

Bingham 4-6 Fu

I didn’t watch the Selby thing. Because it was painful.

I didn’t entirely watch the Fu thing either. Because Fu won a total of ONE FRAME while I was looking at him, and Bingham won a total of FOUR. Literally every time I looked at the screen Fu missed. And I don’t even care about him all that much. He’s got married, I hope he’s married that lovely girlfriend we met a year or two ago who was quiet and lovely.

O’Sullivan 6-1 Davis

Carter 6-4 Milkins

I quite liked the bits of O’Sullivan/Davis that I saw, mostly they were the bits where they were playing safety and enjoying themselves.

Carter was weird because sometimes when I watched it was like Ali Carter was AMAZING and knew what he was doing. And sometimes it was like he … didn’t. He won, though. So that’s nice.

Murphy 6-3 Li

Gould 6-2 Lines

OH GOD. I really liked Li. It’s easy to like new people when they’re playing against Murphy, obviously. But I liked when he remembered how to pot things after a while, and I liked his hair, and I liked how he wasn’t Murphy, but Murphy was Murphy, and it isn’t fair to make the new ones play him, so Li didn’t do awfully well.

And I didn’t watch any of Gould/Lines.

I understand that this isn’t the most insightful post about snooker you have ever read. They very much put the people I care about on in day 1. And then Williams happens later today.

Snooker was hilarious today.

In the morning session, which is some sort of lunchtime affair now, Ding was playing on one table and Higgins on the other. They both sort of dawdled their way to 5-5 and were going to go home because snooker hates me and that’s fine. I was okay with that.

Except then the snooker gods woke up and looked down on what they had created and frowned at it, and POTTED BALLS OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. Literally they did. Within about twenty minutes of each other Ding and Higgins both won their matches on flukes. HIGGINS FLUKED TWICE. It was BEAUTIFUL.

You have no idea how cross and outraged I would be if Robertson and Selby had just won matches on flukes both at the same time for no good reason. But they didn’t. So I don’t care.

I could put some numbers in:

Higgins 6 – 5 McLeod

Ding 6 – 5 Davis (M)

So that was nice.

The most idiotic thing a commentator said today was when Higgins was about thirty points ahead or something and everything was nice and open around the black spot and all the reds were potable and he said ‘It’s hard to think of anything that could go wrong here’. DO THEY CUT IMAGINATION OUT OF COMMENTATORS WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG CHILDREN????? I think if you genuinely can’t imagine a kick, or a failure of concentration, or a poor positional shot, or a hiccup, or a miscue, or John Higgins’s sudden onset snooker amnesia, then… actually that’s probably a really nice way to live. Fine. Higgins did, I think, win that frame, but he didn’t do it at that visit. I think he missed a black off the spot, that thing that NO COMMENTATOR HAS EVER IMAGINED IN THEIR LIFE and I foresee literally every time someone I love is at the table.

The most idiotic thing anyone said today was Murphy, but you’re not meant to judge people for being inane on twitter, but I’m going to anyway:

“So after an hour, they’ve played two frames. At Power snooker they would have played two matches with 4 players in that time. Thoughts?”

Even ignoring the ‘two matches with FOUR players’ thing, which I’m not sure makes any point at all, does it, what? And ignoring the sheer disgust with which I hold the word ‘thoughts?’. All he is doing is comparing an hour playing snooker with an hour DOING SOMETHING ELSE. THOUGHTS?

So after an hour, they’ve played two frames. At darts they could have played a full match in that time. Thoughts?

So after an hour, they’ve played two frames. At cooking they could have made a three course meal for four people in that time. Thoughts?

So after an hour, they’ve played two frames. At farming they could have milked like ten cows each in that time. Thoughts?

IF YOU DON’T THINK PLAYING SNOOKER IS A GOOD USE OF AN HOUR, JUST LEAVE. Nobody will mind.

I didn’t watch the afternoon snooker. It all seemed very Robertson. I looked it up and this happened:

Dott 6 – 1 Selt

Robertson 6 – 1 Ford

I do really like Graeme Dott being good at snooker. People still come here looking for information about his plaster on his chin even though it’s not there.

In the evening this happened:

Maguire 6 – 3 Hendry

Stevens 6 – 2 Campbell

It was very sad because Marcus Campbell’s friend died this afternoon and then he (Campbell) came and played snooker anyway, but especially towards the end he was obviously a bit exhausted and shaky. On the other hand oh my god Matthew Stevens knowing how to play snooker was kind of awesome. He could pot long things. As well as short things. He spent a terrible lot of his time IN POSITION and didn’t mind that much when he wasn’t. He looked a bit like a real person. He has to play Ding next.

I have a Policy against supporting Maguire. So I supported Stephen Hendry, even though I have a new Policy against supporting people who have Won Enough Things. Basically that policy is mostly about Higgins, and somehow isn’t about Hendry, despite the numbers being more on Hendry’s side than Higgins’s, and besides I stick up for Higgins anyway. But I think Having A Policy is still a step up from just loving everything John Higgins cares to do, even when it is winning world championships JUST BY BEING THERE. In the next round Higgins is going to play Maguire, and my two policies are going to STRUGGLE FOR DOMINANCE again, but my policy against supporting Maguire is more a TRUE SPIRITUAL BELIEF than a policy, so I will probably stick up for John.

Anyway, I was sticking up for Hendry. Obviously. In no small part because he was the only person this evening who turned up dressed as a snooker player. He makes snooker even sound better than other people do. Also sometimes he plays shots and they look like POEMS. Also I love his EVERYTHING. He didn’t win. He was at 3-1, and made it 3-3 and that was good.

The best bit of the match was when Maguire was just quietly making a bit of a break and the commentators were silent for OVER THREE MINUTES.

I stopped writing about snooker, but I need somewhere to have some rage about this.

The issues I have with powersnooker are many, and the utter dismissiveness with which ANY issues are treated in some places are FUCKING ME OFF EVEN MORE.

Things I’m not complaining about even though any complaints you seem to make about power snooker seem to be taken as ‘oh you just don’t like that they have to make changes and try new things’:

I don’t have any issues with the game itself. But EVERY other issue I have had with anything has been argued with as though I was just sad that they’d changed the rules. Because people are wankers. I think for a random charity event, this could be a nice weekend of a kind of new game that’s okay. (I’d turn the lights up and make the table a sensible colour, obviously.) It’s not as good as real snooker, but it would be fine if any of the players were enjoying themselves, and if Hazel was there. And if everyone involved with it wasn’t a dick.

(Actually I really like Sarah as well. I know she’s there to be pretty and show legs, but what I really really like is that the same men who she has been put there for are also the ones judging her for not knowing about snooker. Oh, isn’t sexism grand? NOBODY who starts presenting snooker knows anything about snooker. Rishi didn’t know a THING when he started, Ray Stubbs presented snooker for AGES and NEVER learned anything about it. Somehow their inane questions were fine, but with Sarah, oh she’s an air head. Lovely.)

Things I have issues with, big issues, big, massive:

They keep saying, “the future of snooker”, “snooker for the new millennium”, “moving with the times”, etc.

a) Fuck off. It’s not the future of snooker is it? Because it’s not snooker. And . . . I come from fandom, and it’s like they’re trying to reboot snooker the way they do with remakes all the time now, and they’re just talking about themselves as if anyone was taking them seriously and it’s EMBARRASSING. The players don’t care. They keep asking them in interviews and they all go ‘well it’s a nice bit of fun’ even though they look bored as hell, and haven’t bothered to find out the rules. And the makers of power snooker kind of bristle as if we should be embracing this and probably changing the world championship immediately. They’re doing every wanky thing it is possible for a remake to do.

I understand the need to try to create enthusiasm about a new event, but you don’t have to do that by being rude and STUPID AND SMALL MINDED about snooker itself. That’s just idiotic. Like the rest of your weird event.

Describing this as ‘a breath of fresh air’ or ‘a refreshing change’ is not encouraging people to like snooker, is it? It’s painting real snooker as something dull and old and boring. Something it isn’t, and something you shouldn’t want people to think it is. Claiming that stuff like this is going to encourage people to enjoy snooker while simultaneously taking every opportunity to HATE SNOOKER YOURSELVES is stupid.

b) YOU CANNOT BE THE FUCKING FUTURE IF YOU HAVE PRETTY ‘GIRLS’ LEADING THE PLAYERS TO THE TABLE. If you are sponsored by The Sun. And if the coverage is sponsored by a beer that calls this ‘REAL MEN’S TV’. If you are coming from the past with your stupid sexist ugly coverage then you are not the future, you’re an embarrassment.

In the old days of the world championship ‘pretty girls’ came on with the cheque and trophy at the end. Do you know why they stopped doing that? BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING DISGRACEFUL.

I went to see the premier league once, I think that’s what it was, they had a warm up guy who told mother-in-law jokes. MOTHER IN LAW JOKES! And they had bits before the adverts where ‘pretty girls’ welcomed players out of cars or something. It’s the only snooker they play anywhere near me, but it was the most alienated I’ve ever felt at a snooker game. Everything about the set up SCREAMED that it wasn’t for me, that they didn’t care about my being there. It was for men.

Powersnooker is doing the same thing only more so. I can’t believe the power girls. (They’re not girls, they’re women. I have to say that, in case nobody has noticed.) It’s just sick. It’s everything that is vile about itv darts. I can’t believe they think it’s acceptable in this day and age, much less pretend they’re bringing snooker into a new age. FUCK OFF HARDER.

This is why I am SO VERY ATTACHED to the bbc snooker coverage. It’s not like they’re perfect or don’t make mistakes – the ‘warm up’ guy at the welsh snooker joked about how guys had dragged their girlfriends to the snooker on valentine’s day, with the guys having to sit there going ‘well no, she just likes snooker’ – but they still, most of the time, actually make me feel like maybe my favourite sport doesn’t hate me. Which is a valuable feeling for me. And not one that ANY OTHER TV station seems to care to replicate.

I didn’t die. And I didn’t forget about snooker. I’m just lazy and let months pass by without noticing them. I didn’t write about PROBABLY THE MOST EXCITING SNOOKER FINAL IN THE WORLD EVER, in the UK. I have a lovely saved draft about it; I’ll summarise:

“I didn’t look, I hate John Virgo, I love John Higgins, I love Mark Williams too but never mind, I love John Higgins, I love snooker, isn’t snooker amazing? Snooker is better than [long list of most things]. John Virgo was as ANNOYING as in the nineties, it made me almost nostalgic but mostly furious. John Higgins got snookers. SNOOKERS!!!!!! Mark Williams WON THAT MATCH, he potted FRAME BALL, and John Higgins is champion. I LOVE SNOOKER. ALSO GOD.”

That is a lot more succinct than my drafted post, and says about as much sense.

Other things I haven’t posted about . . . presumably someone became Master of Snooker? Was it Ding? I LOVE DING. And someone won in Wales, I WENT TO WALES, it was fantastic, I didn’t see Stephen Hendry get a 147, I like them playing with the screen up, I saw Matthew Stevens pot things as if it was a dream, I saw Higgins playing a CHILD. Wales was great. I think is Higgins king of Wales? He’s king of Scotland, in some new weird thing I didn’t really understand and probably doesn’t count. It only finished like two days ago, I’m desperately concerned that they drained all the snooker out of Higgins and he’ll be ruined. China! There was China which Judd Trump sort of bagsied. I didn’t watch that, or Germany, where I think Mark Williams won. This is some months of snooker condensed, it is like I missed NOTHING.

Here is a table that I made of how I would like this new tournament that we are having tomorrow to proceed, I would like it if all the players studied it and made it come true:

First Round	Second Round	Quarters
Trump > Robertson Fu > Gould	Fu > Trump
Dott > King Carter > Harold	Carter > Dott	Carter > Fu
Ding > Burnett Bingham > Ebdon	Ding > Bingham
Hendry > Perry Robertson(J) > Selby	Hendry > Robertson J	Hendry > Ding
Williams > Day Cope > Pagett	Williams > Cope
Stevens > Allen Maguire > Hawkins	Stevens > Maguire	Stevens > Williams
Campbell > Murphy O’Sullivan > Dale	O’Sullivan > Campbell
Walden > McCloud Higgins > Lee	Higgins > Walden	Higgins > O’Sullivan

It is a table RULED by crazy optimism. It’s so wonderful. It’s quarter finals where I want everyone to win, it’s like they’ve really carefully gone through and spread the people I love into every eighth, instead of clumping them all in the middle. I don’t really love O’Sullivan, but I am much better than I was. It is like good won him round. My table totally might happen totally. Snooker totally loves me. Possibly. I don’t know. We’ll find out tomorrow.

I’m totally unprepared for tomorrow, I was meant to buy food at some point today and I utterly didn’t. I have one egg, and some beans. Probably that will last for 17 days. (I can’t believe Prince William is getting married during the snooker. It shows a distinct lack of character.)

I LOVE SNOOKER. I HOPE IT DOES EVERYTHING RIGHT AND DOESN’T RUIN MY LOVE. I want to whine bitterly about how Stevens and Williams have a terrible horrid draw, but I know it’s hard to get a nice draw in snooker at the moment. I think Selby has done alright for himself, as far as these things go, although I have MASSIVE HOPES for RobertsonJ. And Murphy’s is pretty good, I know O’Sullivan is there, but it’s sort of unlikely O’Sullivan will be much there. Maybe he will. For the good of The World, Ronnie.

I hope snooker’s still amazing. I haven’t watched any for ages, what if it’s gone weird? It’s still HOURS away. But then it is going to last FOREVER. So I’m definitely not grumbling. I’m just waiting. Really really really really patiently.

OKAY BYE.

I can’t talk much about Mark Williams. Because obviously I didn’t *watch* most of that brilliant and amazing thing happen. I haven’t failed to watch snooker out of fear and pessimism in so long, but twitter was so impossibly infuriating and the commentators were killing me and I know there are mute buttons for both of those things, but I just didn’t want to look at Murphy any more, and oh my god. I watched the live scores – which are one of the better things Barry Hearn has done to snooker – while pretending not to look at the live scores, and then when Mark Williams had got one frame back I put the snooker on in a corner and determinedly played tetris as if it was far more entertaining. OH MY GOD.

What happened, in case I ever come here trying to work that out, was that Mark Williams went 6-3 in front quite happily, and then it should have been 7-3, but Murphy got him in a snooker and Mark Williams went a bit wobbly and started missing just everything, and so it was 6-4, and then, suddenly and horribly, it was 6-8 and the world was an awful place. Except Murphy is too new to understand about grit! Brilliant. Mark Williams just won those last three frames by potting long balls as if he had NEVER HAD A PROBLEM THANK YOU VERY MUCH. It was stunning and strange and slightly as if snooker quite liked us.

So now Higgins and Williams are in a final. Together. The only better thing than this would be if Matthew Stevens had somehow got into a final. Or Stephen Hendry. It is literally AS GOOD AS THAT.

I want Higgins to win, and I think he will. But if he doesn’t Mark Williams will win. Awesome. My greatest hope is just that they both remember about snooker and form and potting and calm.

And I’d quite like them to be 25 again, with proper hair.

What was that then? They were 4-4 at the mid session and then Higgins, rather than letting Mark Allen have a few frames just to keep everything interesting, won the evening session 5-1 and is in a final. It’s like that thing that commentators always think will happen where John Higgins gets a bit in front and then makes it count, and then it happened and they were right and that would have been upsetting if it wasn’t excellent. I can’t remember anything that happened, I think mostly John Higgins potted things without making too much of a meal of it, and Allen gave him a few easy chances by not being gritty enough.

Grit is v important in beating people from the late nineties.

Williams/Murphy – 1-0

Williams has remembered how to cue! This is a terrific, somewhat unexpected, twist to the match. His children are there watching him, the children who RUINED HIS CAREER. Apparently he’s not holding a grudge.

He potted a lot of things in the first frame, but now in the second one he keeps ending up about two inches off the baulk cushion and I am judging him, I DON’T THINK YOU CAN EXPECT TO WIN MATCHES PLAYING LIKE THAT, WILLIAMS.

They’re wearing the ugliest combination of waistcoats ever – although at least Mark Williams is welsh, Mark Allen wears a red waistcoat sometimes and just looks bizarrely wrong, like he hates his country and wants to confuse.

Mark Williams missed a red ball. YOU CANNOT EXPECT TO GET TO THE FINAL OF THE UK MISSING BALLS LIKE THAT, MARK. I’m expecting Mark Williams to throw away the opportunity for a Higgins/Williams final, just so I won’t be too happy. But I don’t care, I want Higgins to win it anyway so that he gets to be world number one.

Well, Mark Williams has played a careless safety there, Shaun Murphy’s not on anything, but I expect he’ll go on now to win this frame. And then the match, because this, the second frame out of a possible seventeen, is a frame Mark Williams really needs to win if he’s going to keep a hold on this match, and indeed retain any pretence of playing snooker professionally as a career.

None of this is stuff the commentators are saying, it’s just I’ve been commentating on everything since yesterday afternoon in the tone of John Virgo and it’s difficult to stop. It’s a terrible habit to get into and I don’t recommend it.

Oh. It’s 2-0 now. Excellent.

NOT EVERY BALL YOU SEE HIGGINS MISS IS THE EASIEST BALL HE HAS EVER MISSED. You see him miss an easy ball at least once every three frames – and that’s when he’s playing at his BEST, often in matches it’s every frame. EVENTUALLY IT HAS TO STOP COMING AS A SURPRISE. OH MY GOD COMMENTATORS ARE SO FRUSTRATING.

THAT’S UNFORGIVABLE.
WELL, THIS IS REALLY INEXCUSABLE.
YOU CANNOT EXPECT TO WIN MATCHES PLAYING LIKE THAT.

None of those statements are true, and therefore I think John Virgo shouldn’t be allowed to keep on with them.

- – - – - – -

Higgins is playing Mark Allen. They’re five and a half frames in, and it’s gong to be 3-3, which is fine, whatever. Obviously I think John Higgins would prefer it if Mark Allen could edge a little way in front, you can’t really settle in a match until you’re three frames down. But it’s okay for now.

John Higgins won the first frame with a break, not a century break, but a break, and the commentators had basically given him the match and the tournament and a fourth world title. Because commentators are THE WEIRDEST. Then later there was a free ball that John Higgins didn’t think was a free ball even though it was for him. And then he had a chance to make 152 and didn’t make even anything. And mostly it is a very nice match, except for having Mark Allen in it.

Life is so easy when you don’t worry about John Higgins being behind. He was 5-3 and it went to 5-6 and Dennis was all ‘Well, would you believe it???’ and the rest of the world was very ‘Yes, Dennis, this is all John does, match after match, year after year.’

Shaun Murphy is playing Robertson, apparently it is quite a good match, I can’t look at it. The bbc are making it hard to miss, because they’ve got it on real telly and red button telly. I think they’re having a trouble because if their programme is only half an hour long and they show the best match for half an hour and the other match on red button, when they disappear you’re left only watching the rubbish match. But when they’ve got ALL AFTERNOON of real telly I think they could take a chance.

Has Shaun Murphy dyed his hair? Has it always been that funny colour? Do I just never look at him?

Williams is playing Mark Joyce, it used to be 4-0. I liked it when it was 4-0.

My favourite bit of the interview with Hendry where Hendry was all NOTHING WORKS, OKAY? And everyone was like ‘so you’re going to retire?’ and Hendry went ‘no, what.’ My favourite bit was when he said that Mark Williams was at the peak of his career and the interviewer sort of laughed at him and said not really the PEAK and he went ‘well I’d say he was’. He’s hilarious.

Hazel thinks Mark is mercurial. She also thinks John’s walk on music is the best in the world. I think that might be true if Ding didn’t exist.

1. Ryan Day’s shirt. I am not looking at his match, probably it finished. Hang on. Oh. He lost. That’s sad, because I thought we were going to get rid of Selby and Murphy on the same day, and I really like those days.
2. Stephen Maguire. \o/
3. When Cliff Thorburn tells us about players as if they were gangsters.
4. John Higgins managing. If he’s two frames behind, obviously there’s no point managing too soon; and not playing too well, you wouldn’t want to peak this early in a tournament, after all. Scraping through. That’s the way.
5. Matches between Williams and Hendry. Because I am happy when anyone pots anything, and also when anyone misses anything. It was lucky I was so happy about missing things, because there was quite a lot of that.
6. Terry Griffiths being unrelentingly Terry Griffiths.

Things I don’t like:
1. I really really feel that Dennis Taylor should not be allowed to use the same commentary for every match. Also, I have been watching some golf of late, and they do not spend ALL THEIR TIME talking about snooker, so I don’t think that’s balanced reporting by the bbc.
2. Shaun Murphy.

Quarter Finals:

1. The quarter finals are GREAT. By which I simply mean that we have a chance of a Williams/Higgins final if the world goes a bit remarkable for a few days.
2. There’s an awful quarter with Robertson and Murphy in it, but at least it means one of them will disappear. Then Robertson is probably going to win the whole thing to make a full house of everything and prove that he’s super, and that’s fine. WHATEVER. It’s still not actually realistically true just because it has facts in it doesn’t make it right.
3. Ding isn’t in these quarter finals. That’s rubbish.

I think the thing with Hendry is, obviously his concentration is shot, and he’s never going to play the way he used to. But he still keeps thinking that being cross, and being hyped up is going to help him in a match, but it doesn’t any more. He gets cross and still misses things and so he gets cross that being cross doesn’t work, and less focused in his crossness, and his concentration disappears even more. I really think if he had anything about him that would let him give up on being perfect and just relax quite a lot he might just get a bit of a flow going. But he’s never going to do that because he doesn’t WANT to play well in a different new way, he wants to play well the exact same way he always has, and it’s not going to happen and I am going to miss him so much.

The bbc have a new thing! A new scoring thing. It looks so grown up and polite and I love it. Telford have a nice red carpet, that is a bit like they are pretending to be a crucible, but mostly is just that they are making snooker look warm and kind.

Stevens has drawn Ding in the first round. He’s not doing so well at that. He’s two frames down and is probably going to give away this third one as well. It’s not really giving away, mostly Ding just pots everything and Matthew sits down and looks troubled.

At 1400 hours John Higgins is going to play Stephen Lee. There is snooker ALL WEEK LONG. I have been pretending that I might get anything done, but I’m not going to get anything done.

I don’t have anything to say, just a vague over excitement about snooker. I’ll go now.

Apparently also the bbc are thinking of not showing the October tournament any more, which is even more rubbish than Neil Robertson winning things. You should write to them and tell them how much you liked it. Hazel, Steve and John kept saying how wonderful and amazing it was and how much EVERYONE had enjoyed it and how much it was LIKE GOLD AND BRILLIANCE. And they probably meant it, but they just sounded like they wanted jobs.

I liked having semis and a final all on one day. It was brilliant apart from how Mark J Williams had an emotion and got lost half way through his match. OH MAN. Mostly I really enjoyed this tournament and I sort of keep thinking, oh what a lovely format, but when I think about it more Allen wasn’t there and Selby left early. I think that helped. Maybe that’s something snooker should take from this. It was a good format, though. It was nice to see it work. And a few people have said to me how much they liked being able to sit down and see a match from start to finish without it taking forever.

I don’t think they should shrink the world championship, I love the world championship. I know it’s CRAZY, but that makes it GLORIOUS. And I know people are going ‘oh wow there was all the tension, but in just five frames!’ but that’s because people don’t have a MEMORY OR SENSE. There was none of the brilliant ‘OH MY GOD THE MID-SESSION INTERVAL KILLED HIM’ or any of the ‘he had a really strong second session and now THIS’, or anything that makes snooker a bit epic. I liked it, don’t get me wrong. But it was a small little tricky event. The world championship is magnificent.

This match was weird, but nice, but weird. Ding played the first two frames without trying, and he was just sort of perfect, and it was really sad because he kept leaving the white ball just right on the cushion, and when Williams was best that was just everything he did (because he had the white ball on a string, which is cheating, but which nobody ever minded) and it was kind of like Mark Williams was old for a while. And it’s weird watching Mark Williams be affected by things, he got some kicks, and the commentators always still say ‘well he’s blessed with a great temperament’ and ‘I’m not sure it’ll matter to Mark Williams, not a lot bothers him when he’s at the table’, but he has emotions now! He doesn’t cope entirely well with everything, he looks worried and afraid. It’s like he has played his career in reverse. And he got two kicks, and phones went off, and Jan had to throw someone out of the arena. So it was all a bit trying and Mark Williams wasn’t getting in, and then the third frame was all a bit scrappy in my memory, but Mark Williams won it, and then suddenly he knew about long potting and position and things again, and Ding just stopped being perfect, like there was only so much talent to go around and it had just passed over to Williams. And it wasn’t like awesome snooker, and really I want them both to win things, and it’s unfair that they can’t.

Robertson/Higginson, and Peter Ebdon:
In other snooker yesterday Higginson nearly pretended he was going to beat Neil Robertson but actually didn’t. And they keep being really patronising about Neil Robertson and saying like ‘well he’s cleared up there like a world champion’ as if they kind of accept that he is not a real one, because he is a child and an upset and an exotic stranger from a far away land, but they are pleased when he acts real. It’s very happying. “Well, he does look like a world champion here”, meaning no he doesn’t, not at all, but somehow he is so we will have to accept it. It’s like in fantasy novels when advisers to the king are really proud of princes acting vaguely royal when their fathers have been killed and they’re going to take on responsibility for the realm.

Does his child live in a different country? I think he might be cheating at fatherhood, it is supposed to ruin your career. So is being world champion. Does he know ANY OF THE RULES? I could sent him a booklet.

I can’t believe that the moment we get Ebdon out of the top 16 they change the rules around and suddenly it’s really easy to get back in. Massive timing fail. (I am not properly complaining, I think messing around with the rankings is totally worth trying. Also I don’t find Ebdon QUITE as upsetting as Murphy, and not nearly as upsetting as he used to be, especially in interviews, and in some ways he’s quite an interesting/amusing element of the fictional snooker universe I construct in my head. Just not so great when he is winning snooker by death. I have made scones, and am not nearly as tetchy as I seem.)

Ding won. Which is nice. And Mark J just about won, which was good. And then OH GOD Liu Song so nearly won, but Peter Ebdon just sort of stabbed him until he gave up. And it was kind of awful because Peter Ebdon forgot how to hit balls and make them into pockets and they just sort of randomly scrambled away from his cue and it really was quite difficult to watch even when you (meaning I) don’t particularly want him to manage.

And O’Sullivan won, which was quite nice because it meant he got to say nice things about Jimmy White and then show BEAUTIFUL RESPECT for Hendry, which is something he excels in nowadays.

The draw mocked my naivete in FORGETTING O’SULLIVAN and put Hendry against him, obviously, but IDK. Ding and Williams didn’t have to play each other, so they are both through. 2 of 3 is good enough for me. Maybe Maguire will get through as well. Not that I am sticking up for Maguire, because I have a Policy.

O’Sullivan’s post match interview having beaten Hendry 3-1 said that basically his tournament was down hill from here, because he’s got a 147, played Jimmy White and beaten Stephen Hendry. Presumably he FORGOT that Mark Williams is awesome again now, and playing him will be nearly as good as playing Higgins. He should cheer up a bit. Also he loves Ding! He forgot about Ding. Snooker’s not as rubbish at it was a few years ago, Ronnie.

I think it’s weird when people refer to players by their nationality, you see it all the time in snooker articles ‘the welshman, Mark Williams’ and ‘the scot Alan McManus’. I don’t really think it’s weird, I think it’s totally understandable. But I think you could split them into way more interesting categories. You could have healthy looking snooker players against sickly ones. And scruffy ones against neat ones. And emotionally stable ones against slightly worrying ones. ‘The scruffy Mark Williams secured his place in the quarter finals today . . .’ is FAR MORE POINTY than merely calling him welsh. I think we should have a nations cup again because I loved it, but I would like it even more if they played healthy versus pale and tragic.

Things that make me laugh about snooker are (a) Mark Williams being world number 5, and (b) when they introduce Maguire as a winner of 4 ranking titles. HOW DID EITHER OF THOSE THINGS HAPPEN? They’re brilliant.

Today in the snooker Hendry is commentating. On Ken Doherty. I love today. I’ve only heard Hendry commentate about twice before, and it is a perfect thing. If it wasn’t too sad to contemplate I would almost like him to hurry and retire, so we can just listen to him judge people ALL DAY LONG.

I love Hendry. I love that he stands a better chance in best of fives than anything else nowadays, because concentration is his greatest enemy, but this isn’t the sort of tournament he wants to win, so it means nothing.

I would like Ken to play more betterly now, while I go back to looking at all the ways the draw for the next round might choose to make me sad. (So far I am thinking it’ll make Ding play Williams, because I love them both and they’re both playing awesome. And Hendry play Ebdon, because that’s my least favourite match in the world. But maybe Hendry will play Williams, which would bring me glee along with my sorrow, because I want them both to get points and more matches, so maybe the stronger sadness would balance out my slight happy. I don’t know. How snooker will hurt me next is a constant game of guesswork.)

If it’s a gambling thing then actually the appalling thing is Jan Verhaas changing reality. In reality Ronnie scored 140 points, if you put money on Ronnie making a 147 in that match you should lose your money, because he didn’t. It’s not new, people not scoring as many points as they possibly can in a frame. Loads of players take on unlikely shots after they’ve crossed the line to win a frame, even sometimes if they haven’t made a century yet. Mark J never bothered to get to a century in olden days, he didn’t care at all. If you bet on him to get a century, you have to be taking that into account. With Ronnie, whatever you are betting on, surely you’re meant to take into account that he is Ronnie O’Sullivan? I don’t think they should get moneys.

(Mark Williams has said that he should have just potted it . . . or tried a double. Oh, I love his love for doubles. I love that he tried to cut in the black off the spot because otherwise you are leaving your opponent a double and HE WANTS ALL THE DOUBLES FOR HIMSELF. I liked him telling Steve Davis and John Parrott to basically piss off thinking he was wrong, because he still liked it best.)

If the crossness is that he didn’t think £4000 was worth playing for, then they weren’t listening, because £4000 is the highest break, it’s not the maximum prize, and that’s the whole point of Ronnie’s argument. He can still win the £4000 pounds without making 147. I know he was kind of dismissive of the money in the post match interviews as well, but that’s because he’s a bit of a tosser. That isn’t news, stop making that be news.

If it’s seriously that weird thing about his fans wanting to see a 147, then that’s just nonsense. They already saw that. They saw him playing in the form and the way and the ability to make a 147, the scoreline isn’t going to change that. It’s just as awesome to see Ronnie O’Sullivan score 140 points in two seconds and then not bother with the black as it is to see another 147. I don’t understand.

If you think it’s disrespectful then you have to ban Ronnie from the game or get over it. You can’t make a rule about *caring*. You can’t say people can only play snooker if they *care*. You get to play snooker if you’re good at it. I’m not even saying Ronnie doesn’t care about snooker (it’s not his life, it’s just some green baize, it’s a game, it’s not his whole life – these brackets brought to you from Ronnie’s every interview circa 1998-2005) I’m just saying it doesn’t matter if he wants to act as if he doesn’t. You can’t build a sport around Ronnie O’Sullivan and still have Ronnie O’Sullivan in it, because Ronnie O’Sullivan’s mental well being doesn’t work that way.

I love Ding. But Jimmy Michie talking to himself in mirrors makes me happy. In a way that Peter Ebdon talking to himself in mirrors makes me sick. Continuity is for quitters. Now I would like Stephen Lee to win, and my afternoon will have a 3 for 3 record again. But I like Nigel Bond, I am a little bit sticking up for him, it will make children happy all across the world.